Almost a decade ago when I 'found spirituality', it was about getting out of the low feeling states and into feel good states. It was about learning all I could about psychology, emotional intelligence, yoga, energy work, breathwork, tantra, plant medicines, therapy, various practices that allow us to manipulate our state of being and get somewhere.
Today I'm exploring being in the now with the totality of how I feel. Without a need to change anything. Total presence with myself.
This process cannot be rushed. You have to go through the earlier steps to be able to even consider the idea that maybe, just maybe you are already exactly where you need to be, your emotional state is your doorway to yourself, and you need to jump right into it to fully feel and explore.
I used to be afraid of certain feelings and emotions. I thought going into them fully and dropping resistance would mean dying. I thought I couldn't handle some of them. And at those earlier times, that was the truth for me. It took me a couple of plant medicine journeys to be 'forced' to sit with some of the most uncomfortable feelings to be able to see that I am not them and that I can handle anything.
Now I am approaching myself with the most compassion I've ever felt. I am giving myself a break. If I notice I'm feeling a low feeling state, I give it space to be within me, I breathe around it and observe how it feels in my body. I observe the actual sensations that are present. I observe what labels I put on them. Tightness on the chest? Where does it go? How does it feel inside of me? Do I need to call it pain? Maybe I can simply call it tightness and allow it to be as it is.
As I sit with myself as I am, my energy is teaching me about my patterns. It is also teaching me the impermanence of everything. It is showing me the Me that is able to observe whatever arises and allows it to be. I am no longer so attached to Feel Good states. I welcome them with full open arms, but I am not so desperately trying to keep them from leaving. I am no longer afraid of low feeling states, knowing that they too shall pass and recognizing the gift of being able to Fully Feel everything that life has to offer. Those are the states where my deepest compassion and wisdom come from. For that I am grateful and open to continue to dive deep within.